Barred Up - Vol. 2: Battle Royale

The bar lines have been drawn, the conveyer belts have been loaded and the sonic blades have been sharpened. North meets South in a hemisphereal battle of choc - two iconic poo bars are about to collide head on in an attempt to prevail as the most likable shaft of sugary bar treat. Peanuts will be cleaved, wafers snapped in two and caramel will stain the very earth.

The Contenders:

Representing the Americas, we have the volumous Mr Big bar - a gargantuan log of rich, wafer-filled splendour - a flavour warrior worthy of any suggestive-sell rack.


From Australia, boasting years of marketplace dominance and household poo bar populariy comes the famed Picnic. A modestly-sized bar who's weapons are numerous and deadly sweet.


The compeditors have just weighed in and here are the results:

Maker: Cadbury
Weight: 60g
Place of purchase: Couche Tard convenience store, Montreal
Class: Line bar product/ chunky poo format (elongated)
Description: Crispy vanilla wafer centre wrapped in a sweet and chewy blanket of rich caramel, finished with a peanut and rice crisp-laden choc coating.



Maker: Cadbury
Weight: 23g
Place of purchase: Melbourne
Class: Line bar product/chunky poo format (snack size)
Description: Crispy vanilla centre encased in chewy, tooth-removing caramel and coated in a thick layer of large peanut pieces and rice crisp-laden choc.


Prior to going head to head, our athletes were interviewed as to their battle strategies:

Mr Big: "I plan to outdo my opponent with my balance. I'm not too peanutty and so my caramel and wafer flavours shine through to the last punch. Instead af excess peanuts, I have an abundance of rice crisps that keep me light on my toes - I'm not too heavy and so I can stay in the game longer and be more entertaining for the crowds. Also, who can resist my sheer length? They don't call me Mr Big for nothing! That Picnic is a daft Aussie prick and I'm going to show him that long and thin goes further in."


Picnic: "That septic tank is gonna get it. While he's dancing around like a fairy with his 'light weight centre', I'm going to knock him around with my heavy peanut punches. It's peanut flavour that counts and that's what I have got. I wonder if he can stand my brutal texture - I can be hard on the palate, but not without good strong flavour. Peanuts and choc is what makes me rock. Also, I'm snack-sized and as they say: short and thick does the trick."


Final result:
Both bars exhibited outstanding performance. Although very similar in design and ingredients, each presented a unique and intriging oral sensation. The Picnic has a classic peanut flavour and will remain a top-notch bar, although, it is at times a little rough on delicate gums. The Mr Big, however, showed a better balance of peanut, caramel and wafer flavours. Added to it's delectably crisp, delicate texture is the fact that it's longer and therefore can be enjoyed at length. It's only drawback is that it is perhaps a tad too sweet. All in all, Mr. Bog - I mean Mr.Big is a true champion among poo bars.

Score:
Picnic - 8/10
Mr Big - 9/10

Barred Up - Vol.1

This is the first entry of a new segment on my blog known as "Barred Up". It the brain child of mine that has been slowly developing in my mental uterus and is now ready to break free of it`s cerebral foetal bag and spring to life through my third eye.

The purpose of Barred Up it to showcase an assortment of intersting and foreign chocolate bars that I have recently come across on my travels. It is my desire to share the joy and wonder of new and interesting shafts of chocolate that are chewed around the world. So let us begin with the first bar...

Wunderbar


Stats:

Maker: Cadbury
Place of purchase: Wallmart/Canada
Weight: 58g
Classification: line bar product/ standard turd-shape design
Description: peanut buttery nougat filling encased in chewy caramel sheath enrobed in milk choc.

Details: At first bite, the Wunderbar exhibited a pungent peanut butter aroma. I am reminded of a Hershy's Reeces here. The initial flavour, although tasty, disappointingly unoriginal and decidedly overconfident. Further chewing revealed the strong presence of the chewy caramel sheath which did well to balance the slightly overpowering filling. The caramel proved itself the feature here - an interesting addition to the standard peanut realm. Bite shape was a reasonably pleasurable half-turd cut. The finish was satisfying and sightly moreish.

Conclusion: An unoriginal taste dressed up in a nice caramel surprise.

Score: 6.5/10

Snow Footy

Was just taking a well-earned break from my on-line audio course to make myself a cup of Twinings blackcurrant tea and find myself a tasty treat in the fridge when I happened across this:


It's my snow footy. I constructed it meticulously last winter when snow was abound, according to the ancient and treasured tradition. However, it appears to have shrunk to an alarming degree. It was once softball size, but now it's in danger of being mistaken for an ice cube. The guitar pick pictured next to the footy measures about 1.5cm across. I can only hypothesize as to the cause of the reduction - it would seem that excessive opening and closing of the freezer door has been a contributing factor during this brief but intense summer. You'll notice in the picture that the footy's exterior is mysteriously dirty. It's an unexplained phenomenon that pleases me greatly - all snow footballs should be dirty, for it is their role in life to be kicked down the street. I confess to have shelved my newly constructed footy in pristine condition, but it seems that it's true nature has shone through, as if by the hand of god.

Fear not my pet, for winter is nigh. Glory shall be ours.


Random Fact:
Did you know that most teas, including green tea, English tea and Chinese tea all come from the same tea plant? Yes. It's true They all undergo different maturation processes. I am smart.

Update The Kent

Forgive me father, I am a worm. It's been more than several weeks since my last entry. But now I feel it has come time for the blogger pheonix to rise from the holiday ashes and return to regularity. And such good holidays they were - marred only by the jet lag caused by the return flight home from Canada, the sweaty hot four-shower-a-day-weather in Tokyo right now, and the ever-depressing departure of our beloved newlyweds back to the land of Oz. Not to worry, there have been some redeeming events, such as the return home of my new blue guitar that was in "the shop" for some modifications during my absence abroad (see pic below). Also, there's the planning of my next overseas trip to Italy with my father the Beacon, which will take place in late September. AND there is of course the wonderous entertainment provided by the presence of my recently won Playstation Portable (for those ignorant among you, I was one of several bingo winners at Sarah and Chris's Japanese wedding party and left the event with a brand new PSP in hand). So all in all, life seems to have balanced itself out a bit.

Birthday Nazi

It would appear that I have been a little tardy with my updating and, as a result, it looks like I may have lost the patronage of a one D. Gree (a blog devotee of worthy note). Such is life I guess and I am in no position to complain. On a different note, I have for you all a statistical report concerning a recent event that occured on May the 22nd - a date that signifies the unity of Beacon seed and Boardman egg, and the subsequent painful entry into the world of the individual through an extremely dilated muscular orifice. The results, regarding birthday communications, are as follows:

• Shirk - pass (last minute email at 23:00 saved his ass)

• Katrina L. - pass (timely and colourful e-card)

• Beacon - Class A pass (two phonecall attempts and large box of choc arrived several days in advance)

• Mother - borderline pass (called on the 21st due to erronious advice from spouse)
  

• Scott&Sarah - pass (card and prez in advance)

• Dentore - conditional pass (birthday wishes two days in advance but no call on the day - lottery scatchy from "Couche" will redeem)

• Spish - conditional pass (absent during event - chocolate bar from the "Couche" will redeem )

• Gree - fail (miserable effort)

• Dod - fail (unacceptable)

• Inson - fail (abysmal)

• Everybody else - forgiven (due to lack of ability on my part to return the gesture)
  

Nietzsche Market

Ok, here it is - it's what you've all been waiting for! Numbers have been crunched, demographic regions explored, surveys, interviews, interrogations - you name it - it's all been done and the final results have been procured and prepared for you on a silver platter. The long awaited and much debated list of the Top Ten Most Ironic Things in Nippon (according to me anyway). But before I start, let me just say that my desire to report here is not formed out of anger, hatred or resentment for local insanity, but rather a desire to share the wonders of cross cultural exchange. No country is without it's fair share of ironies - my peaceful aim is to explore and enjoy the novelty of local stupidity.

Here they are:

Irony No. 10: Inconvenience Store

If an item should become popular to any extent, it is discontinued.

Irony No. 9: Baa Baa Black-listed Sheep

Lamb stinks but Natto is OK.
(For those less knowledgeable, Natto is a local dish of fermented beans in slime - and it smells like dirty old socks)

Irony No. 8: Bargain Basement

Buy one for $1 or three for.....$3
(Bulk buyers beware!)

Irony No.7: Up-Skirts

Highschool girls wear their school skirts as short as they possibly can but then cover their asses with their hand when walking upstairs. I'm confused: you want me to look but you don't want me to look???

Irony No.6: White Spot Special

Chicken breast meat is by far the cheapest cut.
(All the fatty bits cost more)(Ahhh...fatty bits)

Irony No.5: Turned Tables

A melon costs $120.
A DVD player costs $39.95

(A kilo of marbled beef costs more than my first car did)

Irony No. 4: Double Standards

It is socially innapropriate to eat on the street. However, you may by all means conjure up the thickest, greenest, most vile globule of respiratory butter you can muster and hurl it on the footpath at will, regardless of gender, age or social standing.

Irony No.3: Automatic Teller Madness

ATMs close on public holidays
(well, not so much these days, but they used to)

Irony No.2: Mochi Botchi

The substance known as Mochi (glutenous rice cake) is eaten traditionally on New Year's Day and is said to aid in digestion and extend one's life. Ironically, due to it's stretchy, blobby nature, it gets caught in the throats of old people and kills many each year.

Irony No. 1: Nozone

The use of sunscreen is prohibited in public swimming pools.
(Having clean water outweighs the need for prevention of skin cancer)


So there you have it. I thought of many others but they didn't make the cut. No doubt there are many more. If you can think you can top these, please post.

Sexy Trees

'Tis that time of the year again - the trees are having sex. It's just terrible isn't it! I mean, to think that they just go for it out in the open in broad daylight with no consideration for those innocent bystanders who happen to be in the vicinity. Shagging in public like that! It's shameful! Appauling! And to think that some of those supposedly 'innocent bystanders' actually go out purposely to perve at the public display of pornography, and even bring alcohol to consume during the event. Unbelieveable. Well you won't catch me out there making a fool of myself. No sir - I at least have the decency to download my high-res entertainment in the privacy of my own home and when no one is around.

Well, I lie. I was dragged out to the local park by my defacto wife last Friday to pay homage to the floral porn stars that go by the stagename 'Cherry Blossom'. Being a weekday, we had our choice of seating. Aside from a slightly Nippy breeze, we enjoyed fine weather whilst happily munching on savoury treats. Yasumi delved into a mixed platter of raw fish and I gorged myself on a meaty pole of fried chicken. The shagging of the trees was actually a very quiet event - you could barely hear them at all. In fact, it was so quiet you could hardly tell it was happening. The evidence of course was in the gratuitous display of pink bits.

So, after enjoying a relaxing lunch, we cruised around the park on our bikes. We did the routine stop at the doggy pen and spent 20 minutes avoiding dog saliva and shit (yes, believe it or not, dogs are not allowed to go unleashed in the greater area of the park and so a special fenced area has been provided for the purpose of unleashment). Boring for me as the only dogs I like are Italian Greyhounds (and Molly) and none were present. We then decided to do a lap around the baseball fields and then cruise home.

Cornering the farthest field, I noticed with my keen eye (not my lazy eye) that some kind of event was taking place on the baseball pitch. I saw several cameras and video equipment and I motioned to Yasumi to stop and have a gander. It looked like some kind of baseball event with a few foreigners about dressed up in baseball garb. Suddenly appeared Katori Shingo from SMAP (for those ignorant among you, SMAP is the most celebrated, most famous, most televised, most vocally-challenged boy band in Japan. It's a fair bet that at least one memeber of SMAP has appeared on TV at least once a day, everyday for the past ten years). Some other famous comedians were present too which added to the excitement.

In all of this hoo-ha, I was thinking about what I could say to Shingo to catch his attention. One thing that Shingo is known for is his over-zealous desire to dress up in women's clothing. I personally have seen him in about five different female outfits on TV. Not only that but he is over 30 and has never been reported to have a girlfriend. I thought about shouting out "Kanojo inai kai?" (Where's your girlfriend?), "Homo kai?" (Are you gay?). Then I thought better of it. I mean, I have nothing against poo-punching personally, I just wanted to be naughty. After all, I too underwent the scourge of public scrutiny in times of chicklessness (mostly from my mother). I too know the sting of the point of the gay finger.

And so ended our sexy day at the park.