Thursday, November 09, 2006

Barred Up - Vol. 2: Battle Royale

The bar lines have been drawn, the conveyer belts have been loaded and the sonic blades have been sharpened. North meets South in a hemisphereal battle of choc - two iconic poo bars are about to collide head on in an attempt to prevail as the most likable shaft of sugary bar treat. Peanuts will be cleaved, wafers snapped in two and caramel will stain the very earth.

The Contenders:

Representing the Americas, we have the volumous Mr Big bar - a gargantuan log of rich, wafer-filled splendour - a flavour warrior worthy of any suggestive-sell rack.


From Australia, boasting years of marketplace dominance and household poo bar populariy comes the famed Picnic. A modestly-sized bar who's weapons are numerous and deadly sweet.


The compeditors have just weighed in and here are the results:

Maker: Cadbury
Weight: 60g
Place of purchase: Couche Tard convenience store, Montreal
Class: Line bar product/ chunky poo format (elongated)
Description: Crispy vanilla wafer centre wrapped in a sweet and chewy blanket of rich caramel, finished with a peanut and rice crisp-laden choc coating.



Maker: Cadbury
Weight: 23g
Place of purchase: Melbourne
Class: Line bar product/chunky poo format (snack size)
Description: Crispy vanilla centre encased in chewy, tooth-removing caramel and coated in a thick layer of large peanut pieces and rice crisp-laden choc.


Prior to going head to head, our athletes were interviewed as to their battle strategies:

Mr Big: "I plan to outdo my opponent with my balance. I'm not too peanutty and so my caramel and wafer flavours shine through to the last punch. Instead af excess peanuts, I have an abundance of rice crisps that keep me light on my toes - I'm not too heavy and so I can stay in the game longer and be more entertaining for the crowds. Also, who can resist my sheer length? They don't call me Mr Big for nothing! That Picnic is a daft Aussie prick and I'm going to show him that long and thin goes further in."


Picnic: "That septic tank is gonna get it. While he's dancing around like a fairy with his 'light weight centre', I'm going to knock him around with my heavy peanut punches. It's peanut flavour that counts and that's what I have got. I wonder if he can stand my brutal texture - I can be hard on the palate, but not without good strong flavour. Peanuts and choc is what makes me rock. Also, I'm snack-sized and as they say: short and thick does the trick."


Final result:
Both bars exhibited outstanding performance. Although very similar in design and ingredients, each presented a unique and intriging oral sensation. The Picnic has a classic peanut flavour and will remain a top-notch bar, although, it is at times a little rough on delicate gums. The Mr Big, however, showed a better balance of peanut, caramel and wafer flavours. Added to it's delectably crisp, delicate texture is the fact that it's longer and therefore can be enjoyed at length. It's only drawback is that it is perhaps a tad too sweet. All in all, Mr. Bog - I mean Mr.Big is a true champion among poo bars.

Score:
Picnic - 8/10
Mr Big - 9/10

29 Comments:

Blogger Shirk said...

A classic post,well worth the wait.

2:32 AM  
Blogger Kebber said...

You are too kind. Positive reinforcement will get you everywhere.

6:11 AM  
Blogger Dave Gee said...

I'm concerned about good reviews for a chocolate bar that I cannot access in Japan. The grass is always greener.
And I'm somewhat suspicious of someone of your weight in the industry shamelessly plugging a product. One wonders if you are not getting any kickbacks for such advertising.

2:33 AM  
Blogger Kebber said...

My motivation is pure. I seek only to bring to light the truth, be it good or bad. Whilst quality be rewarded with praise, crap will be duly scathed. Just wait and see.

8:11 AM  
Blogger Dave Gee said...

I get free snack food at work which varies from day to day. What's more , it's all laid out in a shop like format so it feels like your taking without paying. Yesterday there was a bowl of bounty's so I grabbed about 5 of them and have managed to consune them all. I WILL become a fat dullard in this job.

7:02 PM  
Blogger Shirk said...

Kent

3:59 PM  
Blogger Dave Gee said...

Isn't it about time you used this forum to announce your hooplah.

5:50 AM  
Blogger Shirk said...

Three months and counting....

6:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"my God, it's full of bars"

Update this mofo Bennys gonna getcha.

9:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I'm onnu it"

2:18 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Brockman!

2:20 AM  
Blogger Shirk said...

Four months and counting

4:36 PM  
Blogger Shirk said...

FIVE months and counting

3:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

He doesn't even return phone calls now.

3:38 AM  
Blogger Shirk said...

SIX months and counting

4:16 PM  
Blogger Shirk said...

I believe seven months are up

4:43 PM  
Blogger Shirk said...

Eight months up,started with so much promise and now descended into an arid wasteland

3:36 PM  
Blogger Shirk said...

I believe nine months is up,you could have had a baby in this time you lazy prick!

6:25 AM  
Blogger Shirk said...

Ten months gone by,not a scrap in sight,lets go for a year eh?

4:26 PM  
Blogger Shirk said...

11 months,you have plenty of choc from the recent deposit to do barred up volume 3,whats the go,I can't believe I still visit here.

5:42 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Coming up on 1 year. No posts by then and you will definitely be in for a bashing.

6:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Four days to one year.
Turd burglar.

5:55 AM  
Blogger Shirk said...

That's it,you've cracked the year,congrats

3:11 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

update the kent

1:34 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

uodate the kent

7:07 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Update the kent.

11:37 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just wanted to say hello someplace. Found [url=http://www.google.com/ncr]you guys through google[/url]. Hope to contribute more soon!
-Vuhsistilt

11:37 PM  
Blogger Dave Gee said...

Update the kent.

6:21 AM  
Blogger Dave Gee said...

Update the Kent!

4:34 AM  

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