Nietzsche Market

Ok, here it is - it's what you've all been waiting for! Numbers have been crunched, demographic regions explored, surveys, interviews, interrogations - you name it - it's all been done and the final results have been procured and prepared for you on a silver platter. The long awaited and much debated list of the Top Ten Most Ironic Things in Nippon (according to me anyway). But before I start, let me just say that my desire to report here is not formed out of anger, hatred or resentment for local insanity, but rather a desire to share the wonders of cross cultural exchange. No country is without it's fair share of ironies - my peaceful aim is to explore and enjoy the novelty of local stupidity.

Here they are:

Irony No. 10: Inconvenience Store

If an item should become popular to any extent, it is discontinued.

Irony No. 9: Baa Baa Black-listed Sheep

Lamb stinks but Natto is OK.
(For those less knowledgeable, Natto is a local dish of fermented beans in slime - and it smells like dirty old socks)

Irony No. 8: Bargain Basement

Buy one for $1 or three for.....$3
(Bulk buyers beware!)

Irony No.7: Up-Skirts

Highschool girls wear their school skirts as short as they possibly can but then cover their asses with their hand when walking upstairs. I'm confused: you want me to look but you don't want me to look???

Irony No.6: White Spot Special

Chicken breast meat is by far the cheapest cut.
(All the fatty bits cost more)(Ahhh...fatty bits)

Irony No.5: Turned Tables

A melon costs $120.
A DVD player costs $39.95

(A kilo of marbled beef costs more than my first car did)

Irony No. 4: Double Standards

It is socially innapropriate to eat on the street. However, you may by all means conjure up the thickest, greenest, most vile globule of respiratory butter you can muster and hurl it on the footpath at will, regardless of gender, age or social standing.

Irony No.3: Automatic Teller Madness

ATMs close on public holidays
(well, not so much these days, but they used to)

Irony No.2: Mochi Botchi

The substance known as Mochi (glutenous rice cake) is eaten traditionally on New Year's Day and is said to aid in digestion and extend one's life. Ironically, due to it's stretchy, blobby nature, it gets caught in the throats of old people and kills many each year.

Irony No. 1: Nozone

The use of sunscreen is prohibited in public swimming pools.
(Having clean water outweighs the need for prevention of skin cancer)


So there you have it. I thought of many others but they didn't make the cut. No doubt there are many more. If you can think you can top these, please post.

Sexy Trees

'Tis that time of the year again - the trees are having sex. It's just terrible isn't it! I mean, to think that they just go for it out in the open in broad daylight with no consideration for those innocent bystanders who happen to be in the vicinity. Shagging in public like that! It's shameful! Appauling! And to think that some of those supposedly 'innocent bystanders' actually go out purposely to perve at the public display of pornography, and even bring alcohol to consume during the event. Unbelieveable. Well you won't catch me out there making a fool of myself. No sir - I at least have the decency to download my high-res entertainment in the privacy of my own home and when no one is around.

Well, I lie. I was dragged out to the local park by my defacto wife last Friday to pay homage to the floral porn stars that go by the stagename 'Cherry Blossom'. Being a weekday, we had our choice of seating. Aside from a slightly Nippy breeze, we enjoyed fine weather whilst happily munching on savoury treats. Yasumi delved into a mixed platter of raw fish and I gorged myself on a meaty pole of fried chicken. The shagging of the trees was actually a very quiet event - you could barely hear them at all. In fact, it was so quiet you could hardly tell it was happening. The evidence of course was in the gratuitous display of pink bits.

So, after enjoying a relaxing lunch, we cruised around the park on our bikes. We did the routine stop at the doggy pen and spent 20 minutes avoiding dog saliva and shit (yes, believe it or not, dogs are not allowed to go unleashed in the greater area of the park and so a special fenced area has been provided for the purpose of unleashment). Boring for me as the only dogs I like are Italian Greyhounds (and Molly) and none were present. We then decided to do a lap around the baseball fields and then cruise home.

Cornering the farthest field, I noticed with my keen eye (not my lazy eye) that some kind of event was taking place on the baseball pitch. I saw several cameras and video equipment and I motioned to Yasumi to stop and have a gander. It looked like some kind of baseball event with a few foreigners about dressed up in baseball garb. Suddenly appeared Katori Shingo from SMAP (for those ignorant among you, SMAP is the most celebrated, most famous, most televised, most vocally-challenged boy band in Japan. It's a fair bet that at least one memeber of SMAP has appeared on TV at least once a day, everyday for the past ten years). Some other famous comedians were present too which added to the excitement.

In all of this hoo-ha, I was thinking about what I could say to Shingo to catch his attention. One thing that Shingo is known for is his over-zealous desire to dress up in women's clothing. I personally have seen him in about five different female outfits on TV. Not only that but he is over 30 and has never been reported to have a girlfriend. I thought about shouting out "Kanojo inai kai?" (Where's your girlfriend?), "Homo kai?" (Are you gay?). Then I thought better of it. I mean, I have nothing against poo-punching personally, I just wanted to be naughty. After all, I too underwent the scourge of public scrutiny in times of chicklessness (mostly from my mother). I too know the sting of the point of the gay finger.

And so ended our sexy day at the park.